I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize