she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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