I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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