I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
