my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
