I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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