Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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