Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
