I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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