Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
