So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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