I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
