God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
