your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
