imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Everclear isn't food dammit
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