please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You smell like stripper and shame
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
