How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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