Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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