I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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