i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
