A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
