well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
