When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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