I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
