I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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