That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
