this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
