Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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