I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
