So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
