I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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