The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I am spending my child support on dildos
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
