My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
