i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
