guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My vagina is officially offended.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
