i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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