i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
