remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
