I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
