Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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