i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
