i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm too high and old for this...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
