Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
