the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
