I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
