I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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