i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
