I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
