I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
