Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
