i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
