I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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