Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize