I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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