I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Randomize
