Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
