I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My pussy is not your playground.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
