I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
