TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
there is glitter all over my balls
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
